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How To Approach Swinging With Your Spouse
The question we often get from others, is how do they get their spouse to want to be a swinger. Anna has touched on it, in her “Ask Anna” section, but since we have gotten more people writing in, I wanted to touch on it some more here.
We have been in the lifestyle now for quite some time, one of the things Anna and I both enjoy about the lifestyle is meeting new people, and finding out about them. (and of course sometimes having sex with them) Here are a few questions we usually ask couples when we first meet. How did you get into the lifestyle? Who’s idea was it? How did you bring it up?
As you can probably guess, we have gotten a vast array of different answers, different approaches, different experiences, and different results. With that in mind, we want you to understand that there is no one “right” way, and there is no way to know exactly how your spouse will react to your interest in the swinging lifestyle.
Before we get into what to do, and what not to do, I want to share with you some of our experiences, and give you this disclaimer. Swinging is not for everyone! The lifestyle is not a “band-aid” and it will not fix anything in your relationship. The lifestyle is for secure couples who want to share their partners with others. Keep that in mind, you will be sharing your partner with other people. If this is what turns you on, then yes, the swinging lifestyle might be for you.
I once had a co-worker talk to me about the lifestyle. It was something he wanted to explore, as the thought of being with other women was pretty exciting, plus my stories around the water cooler were kind of blowing his mind! Our conversation went like this. Me: “Do you know those little noises she makes when your wife is cumming?” Him: “Of course…” Me: “Are you ready for her to be making those same noises, only a little louder with another man?” Him: “Louder?” Me: “Hell yeah, each guy that she will be with, will be new to her, and maybe a little more exciting because of that.” Him: “Shit, I never thought of that!” He later told me that for now, he wasn’t going to approach the subject with her.
Before I talk you all out of the lifestyle, let me tell you what I thought it was going to be all about me getting laid, and to be honest, when we first started out, it was a lot about that for me, but as time went a long, I quickly found out that more than me getting some, was that I was having more enjoyment out of watching Anna have so much fun flirting, making out with other guys, and watching her have sex with other people, and it stepped up our sex life a notch, even though I thought it couldn’t. If the thought of sharing your spouse with other people is a turn on for you, then swinging could be a fulfilling and exciting lifestyle for you.
So how and when do you bring this up?
First of all, never bring up other people, or swinging while you are having sex! Don’t bring it up during a fight, or when you two are not getting along the best. This conversation should be while you two are relaxed, just talking, maybe over a glass of wine, and or when you are both talking about what to do next weekend, next month, etc. Something to keep in mind, for some couples that we know, one of them brought it up, and by that weekend they were at their first swinger party, while other couples that we have met, it was a 2 or 3 year process before they did anything. Everyone is unique, and the worst thing you can do it pressure your spouse into something they are not comfortable with, that will most likely lead you into a divorce. We have seen it too many times, and it’s usually the husbands fault! He wants to swing so bad, that he takes his hesitant wife to a club, they have sex with others, sometimes she hates it, and next thing you know they are broke up. We have also seen cases where the wife loves it, jumps into the lifestyle more than the husband was ready for, and he gets jealous So, take things slow, never pressure your spouse past their comfort level, and make sure that you are both ready for the next step, whatever it might be!
When you first approach the subject, tell your spouse about an article you read (like this one) or maybe some news article, make it seem that you hadn’t thought about the lifestyle before reading said article. Talk to them about what you read, and ask her/him if they have ever heard about the swinging lifestyle. Remember don’t ask right away if they want to jump in the sack with other people! The first conversation should be more of an exploratory one, then have your partner explore what the lifestyle is all about by reading articles, or watching informative videos about it together. Most of all take your time, this might be a several year process. As you all might know, if you read our “about us” page inside our members area, for us it was Anna’s idea. She had an ex boyfriend who wanted to try a threesome with another guy, and it just never worked out. The story turned me on, and I wanted to make it happen for her, and to be part of a first experience with her. Even with both of us wanting to make this happen, it took several months before it happened, then almost a year later before we did it again.
Make the conversation, and the possibilities about them, and not you. If you talk about their fantasies, and what it might be like for them to be with another partner with you, what their thoughts are on multiple partners, partners of the same sex, etc. You need to let your partner know that you are comfortable with their fantasies, and that you would be comfortable letting them explore them with you. Most of all, let them know that it’s not about you, but about experiencing something new for them with your full support and your participation. Never, decide to go out alone and do this without each other. In our 15+ years of being in the lifestyle we have yet to see one couple do that and succeed at staying together that plays apart, not even one couple. A couple who plays together, stays together!
Once you both want to move forward and try swinging, don’t be afraid to set some ground rules up, if one of you are uncomfortable with something, let the other know. That way there are guidelines to follow, and respect your partners wishes. Don’t be afraid of changing your rules as you go along, most of us started out with certain rules, and have changed or abandoned them along the way. Make sure that when you do play with another couple, that you tell them your rules, and don’t let them talk either of you out of following your own rules. Almost all couples start out with rules, so most of us get it, and respect your boundaries. Don’t think that once you go to a swinger party, or swinger club that you have to do anything that you don’t want to do! Take your time, some couples will visit a club, party, or group several times before deciding if it’s right for them or not.
As I said when starting this post, there is no one right way to approach the lifestyle, and there is no one right way to enjoy it. Each case is unique, and our main suggestion is to take things at your own pace, and of course at your partners pace. Talk a lot about each new step you take, be honest, upfront, and make sure you remember, your spouse is your life partner, everyone else is play partners. If you do those things you will have a great experience in the swinging lifestyle.
Now go out and explore!!
Bruce
